The Specter of Patriot Past
Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Specter has recently made clear his dissatisfaction with the National Football League, most specifically a certain 18-1 team with a dubious past.
As part of the ever-growing hilarity known as “Spygate”, the senator has made an ardent effort to cattle-prod the process of questioning Matt Walsh, a potentially vital witness. A former employee of the New England Patriots from 1996 to 2003, Walsh has claimed to have compelling evidence of the 16-by-9 variety that proves the Pats have been spying for years. The only problem, according to Specter, is the NFL is dragging its feet like Randy Moss catching a touchdown pass at the sidelines.
Why everyone is mystified by these actions is beyond me. The NFL is pulling a Kim Jong-il from Team America: World Police: hiding a dark secret from the government so it is not exposed. If Specter finds out about the full nature of the Pats cheating, it will soon lead to other teams. The proof will spread like wildfire, and the investigation will actually live up to its ridiculous “Spygate” title. Investigators will confirm what everyone actually knows, which is that NFL teams cheat…a lot…with cameras.
Once this is confirmed, it will suddenly become a serious matter. Like the steroid scandal in baseball, people will go crazy about something that has probably been occurring since cameras evolved from single-celled amoeba 17 centuries ago. Don Shula already made the claim long ago that using cameras will cause the Patriot’s stellar season to instantly suck forever. I can just imagine the endless congressional hearings ahead, where they will spend 6 weeks wheedling Bill Belichick until he concedes that yes, his name is Bill Belichick.
While I may just love a good conspiracy, the actions of the NFL sure have been fishy enough. The public still hasn’t received a good reason why the confiscated tapes were destroyed. People inside the organization just won’t talk. It could be weeks or even months until Walsh speaks with someone. Until then, the speculation will mount, and people will find even more ways to hate the New England Patriots.
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